It was two days
before Valentine’s Day, and though my life looked wonderful from every
angle, deep down I was miserable. I tried ‘to be a good person’ and live my life
in a way that would be pleasing to my fellowman, but all the community works I
was juggling did not fill the void in my soul. At the end of the day, I was
exhausted and empty. Occasionally, I would get a glimpse of why I was so unhappy
and what I needed – I needed the Lord! Sadly, I would quickly reject this notion
because it wasn’t convenient to my lifestyle. Rejecting God was justifiable in
my mind because I knew I couldn’t live up to His standards. Though I looked to
the world for acceptance and comfort, I never seemed fulfilled. I was in a
frightening and unwinnable battle.
The void began
when my father suddenly passed away. He was only 43 years old and left behind a
wife and three children, as well as his parents who daily relied on his help.
Well-meaning clergy told us, “God must have needed him,” and that “he
was in a better place.” This didn’t bring consolation to my grief-stricken
heart. My sister, brother, and I were sent to live with relatives that summer.
Though young, my sister was soon married and moved to her own place. My
brother’s bedroom was the walk-in closet of our aunt’s teenage boys – placing
him continually at their mercy. My bedroom housed the huge gas floor furnace in
the unfinished basement. Night after night I would earnestly cry out to God from
that room, “Why my dad, why me?” I agonized over the loss of my dad and listened
for an answer, but none came. I also learned to listen for sneaking feet coming
down the stairs in the middle of the night. It was a time fraught with dangers
for my brother and I.
Meanwhile, my
mother worked to stabilize our housing so we could come back and live with her.
Unfortunately, her life was also full of snares, so it took more time than we
ever imagined. Three years later, we moved into a home with her and the nightly
threats and torment were over. Though I was often rebellious, we had many good
times together. We traveled some and even spent an entire summer in Oregon.
After coming back to our home state of Colorado, the unthinkable happened.
Doctors diagnosed my mother with breast cancer. I never doubted that she would
recover (because surely God would not ‘take’ her too). However, after a few
years, and much suffering, she succumbed to the ravages of the disease. At her
funeral I again heard from well-meaning folks, “She’s in a better place,” and
“God must have needed her.” Really? More than her children? It did not
sit well.
Deeply
dismayed, my confusion turned to anger that burned hot against God. He seemed
selfish and more like a big bully who was no different from Greek gods who threw
lightning bolts or hit people with a huge hammer. I decided if God was so
selfish that He needed my parents more than their three children did, I didn’t
want anything to do with Him. I would live my life my way, not His! Anytime the
subject of God came up, I was like a cornered cat ready to fight; my cynicism
towards Christianity and distain for Christians grew. Some would try to explain
to me how the Lord was loving, kind, and good. I reasoned, if God were truly
loving, why wouldn’t He have kept my parents from dying? If He were kind and
good, why wouldn’t He just put an end to all the suffering and evil in the
world?
This is where I
found myself on the morning of February 12, 1997 – drowning in my own sorrow.
Deep down I knew only God could rescue me. I saw on the calendar that it was not
only two days from Valentine’s Day, but also the first day of Lent. Oddly,
something went off inside me. It was HOPE! Jesus had been drawing me to Himself
for months, and though I had been keeping Him at arm’s length, I could ignore
Him no longer. God was throwing a lifeline into my Pit of Despair, and I prayed
that if I clung onto it, He would be merciful and pull me
out.
I found an old
Bible and began to read in Psalm 107: Then I cried to the Lord in my trouble
and He saved me from my distress; He sent forth His word and healed me and saved
me from destruction! I fell to my knees, and thanked Him for His goodness.
I repented of sinning against Him. Later I found in John 10:10 where Jesus said,
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I
came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” This Scripture
immediately dispelled the lie that God had killed my parents. I saw the
“thief” had come to kill, steal, and destroy – not my heavenly Father. Oh,
friends, how might that have eased my suffering had someone shared that truth
with me from early on?
In that moment,
the Holy Spirit gave me great freedom, and peace flooded my soul. I knew Jesus
didn’t condemn me but filled my emptiness with joy. He adopted me! As a child of
God, I had a sense of belonging that I had never known. I began reading and
truly studying the Bible. I saw it was like a beautiful tapestry that, through
many authors over thousands of years, God had woven together. I could have never
imagined it, but I found the Bible to be wonderful and
freeing.
You do not have
to be an orphan to experience the debilitating wounds from being abandoned or
rejected. We each have our own story of how we’ve been beaten and battered. We
have fought with discouragement, doubt, and unbelief. At some point, all of us
have been, or will be, wounded by different tragedies and heartbreaks. Our
heavenly Father’s desire is for all mankind to experience His forgiveness and
abiding love. The most wonderful Valentine’s gift anyone could ever receive is
to be adopted by the King of kings! Being reconciled to God is a gift that
anyone can accept at any time.
“God so
loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him
shall not perish but have everlasting life.”
He gave His best so we can live abundantly. Every day is Valentine’s Day with Jesus!
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